When your Toddler Hits you: A New Perspective

"Odd though it may seem, if you come down hard when your toddler hits, you are likely to nail his hitting behavior onto his daily routine."

Hitting--and other seemingly aggressive forms of behavior, such as pushing and kicking--is a common part of child development; it is particularly common during the toddler years when language skills are still developing. Hitting is an emotional reaction young children may experience. A toddler cannot say to their parent, teacher, or peer, "I am angry," or "I am upset, and this is why." Instead, they use their bodies to exude emotional reactions. 

The teachers and staff at PFM are patient and adept at handling typical toddler behavior, such as hitting. When a child is upset, we react quickly, in a calm and supportive manner. We encourage parents to react similarly, while seeking to understand why your child is upset and offer additional ways to express anger or frustration. 

In this article, you can learn more about what may cause a toddler--or young child--to hit and how best to handle difficult, yet typical toddler behavior. 

Everyday Ways to Support your Baby's and Toddler's Early Learning

The emotional, social, and physical development of young children has a direct impact on future learning experiences. Optimizing these early years is the best investment we can make as a society, ensuring the success of our children!

Maria Montessori believed the first three years of a child's life are "critical years." During this time, an infant learns a great deal about their environment while absorbing information through the five senses. Language skills, self-control (and bodily movement), and self-confidence are lifelong skills a child can begin learning at a young age.

In our infant, toddler, and preschool classrooms, we understand the importance of these early years, as they form the foundation for future learning. Encouraging your child to explore, providing your child space to move freely, and communicating with your child are some of the ways in which you can support the critical years.

We strive to create a bond with each child, as a supportive environment and empathetic care-giving is correlated with a child's positive development. You can learn more about our approach to early learning (and how to implement these practices in your home) here.

Parent Education: April 2018

Managing our emotions when working with children is no easy task. However, it is imperative to be in tune with our emotions to better support and empathize with the children in our care (whether in a parent-child or teacher-student relationship). This article is a great reminder of how our reaction to a child's emotional response impacts current coping skills and future behavior. 

You can read the full article here.

Responsive Approach to Caregiving

Responsive care is the process of observing children’s cues and responding in a sensitive way that helps the child grow into the person you want them to be.  One thing we can do as parents and caregivers is to notice patterns in our children’s behavior and to come up with simple solutions to help get them through these difficult times and feelings. One way to do this is to create routines for children that are easy to follow and consistent.  We can think of ourselves as scientist as we observe, document and create theories based on the children’s behavior.  This is actually a lot easier than it sounds and we want to help you take your first step to being your child’s scientist and offering them responsive care!

The following are examples of things that cause meltdowns for many children at school (and stress for parents).  If these things are happening with your child, read on to learn about effective ways to handle these behaviors and hopefully relieve some pressure off of you.  

Drop off time – my child screams, cries, or pleads with me not to go

Pick up time – my child screams, cries, or pleads with me to let them stay

From car to school – my child cries and says they do not want to go to school.

Elevator buttons – if my child does not get to push the elevator button, they have a meltdown

Parking ticket – if my child does not get to stamp the parking ticket, they scream and cry

Dropping off older child to take younger child to infant or toddler room – my child cries and makes this very hard for me.

At pick up time, my child insists to wait for a friend in the lobby before we leave  -- if we cannot do this, they have a fit.

Starbucks after school – my child asks to go to Starbucks at pick up time and has a fit if I say “no”.

Sound familiar!? Well, you are not alone and we are here to help.  Often, it is routine that children are seeking so this is a good place to start. Altering a child’s routine or doing something one day but not another can cause confusion and anxiety.  Confusion and anxiety leads to meltdowns.  The most important things we can do as parents and caregivers is to be consistent and to prep children ahead of time with expectations.  Read on to learn how best to deal with those sticky situations mentioned above. Keep in mind, these tips are meant for preschoolers for the most part, but you can begin implementing some of these ideas with your younger child as well if you think they will understand.  

Drop off time – my child screams, cries, or pleads with me not to go

Make a drop off routine plan with your child.  Do this at a time when you are not rushed and when your child is ready to listen.

Say for example: “when we go into your classroom, I will help you put your shoes away, we will wash hands together, and I will give you one big hug by the door.” Ask them: “Am I going to come back to give you two hugs?” They answer “no.”  “How many hugs do you get by the door?”  They answer: “one.” You say, “Great job.  Then role play this with them so they know exactly what to do when you get to school.  

If your child cries at drop off it is important that you do not come back in.  If you come back, this may communicate to your child that your words do no mean what they say, or that crying works to get what they want and or that school is not a safe place.  A big smile and wave will help them feel secure.  If you’d like, you can email the Director to check in on them if it was a particularly hard drop off.

Pick up time – my child screams, cries, or pleads with me to let them stay

Before you pick-up your child, create a pick up routine with them that you will use at school the next day.  Be clear about expectations and role play this with them.  It is important to do this the same way each day so you create a routine.  If you do this and it does not work, be sure to ask a teacher for help.  The teacher will ask you to go to the lobby while they help your child get ready and then bring them out to you.  

Elevator buttons – if my child does not get to push the elevator button, they have a meltdown

Before coming to school (and when not in a rush) make an “elevator button rule” so your child knows what is expected.  After you create the rule, be sure they can say it back to you so you know they understand what is expected.

The rule can simply be: “if no one else presses the elevator button, then we say, ‘I can press the button.’ If another child or adult presses the button first, we can say, ‘it’s okay, I can press it next time.’ By giving them the words for handling this situation, it gives them the idea that it is okay if they don’t get to press the button every time they want to.  

Parking ticket – if my child does not get to stamp the parking ticket, they scream and cry

Before coming to school and when not in a rush, make a “ticket stamp rule” so they know what is expected.  After you create the rule, be sure they can say it back to you so you know they understand what is expected.  

The rule can simply be: “mommy/daddy stamps the ticket.  It is only for adults.” “Tell me what the rule is….” If you let them do it once, they will always want to do it and be confused when they can’t.

Dropping off older child to take younger child to infant or toddler room – my child cries and makes this very hard for me.

Create a routine for this at home with your older child.  

You can say: “baby is very heavy so it is important that I go straight to the infant room to drop him/her off and that you will come back to give them a hug goodbye.  If they ask if they can go with you tell them that older children are not allowed in the toddler or infant rooms and that it is a PFM rule.  Be very clear about what you plan to do and reassure your older child that you will be back in a few minutes to say goodbye.  Then be sure to follow through.

At pick up time, my child insists to wait for a friend in the lobby before we leave -- if we cannot do this, they have a fit.

Talk about the plan at home before you come to school.  

You can say: “if you want to wait for someone at pick up time, a good place will be by the elevators.”  And then follow through on this.

Starbucks after school – my child asks to go to Starbucks at pick up time and has a fit if I say “no”.

Create a “Starbucks Schedule” and only go on the days that you are “scheduled” to go.  

For example, create a calendar for the month and highlight the day of the week that you will take your child to Starbucks . Be sure to stick with the same day each week so they do not get confused.  Also, post this somewhere they can see it in the home and this will help them keep track of “how many days until Starbucks”…  and give them something to look forward to.  

Additional resource: Ten Reasons a Daily Routine is Important for your Child (and How to Set One).

How to Support Children who are Picky Eaters

It is often hard to understand what prompts a child to favor one food over another or to stop liking a certain food altogether.  As a parent, I am sure it is frustrating to cook a meal that your child refuses to eat it, while they demand something else be made for them ("NO! I want chicken nuggets!").  Children can develop interesting behaviors to foods and aversions to eating altogether.  It is said that picky eating habits are more likely to develop when parents punish, bribe or reward their children's eating behaviors. But what should you do as a parent instead when this is all you can think of in the moment?!  The following articles will hopefully help shed some light on how to handle your picky eater at home so that you have less battles at the dinner table.  Good luck to you all, and happy eating!

Additional Resources:

10 Tips for Helping Picky Eaters

Managing Picky Eaters without Disrupting the Family

Grace and Courtesy: Beyond Please and Thank you

Grace and courtesy lessons are an integral part of the Montessori curriculum and provide children with social skills they will utilize throughout their lifetime. The following article, by P Donahue Shortridge, explains how these skills can be taught in both the classroom and home.

A few weeks ago, I arrived at a hotel to check in, only to find that my room would not be ready for quite some time. There had been a pop concert nearby the night before, attended mostly by moms and their teenage daughters. Apparently, the moms spent their after-event time at the bar, while their teens proceeded to trash their hotel rooms, blast loud music, and run wild in the hallways until 3:00 a.m. The next morning, housekeepers were overwhelmed by a tsunami of debris: lipstick on mirrors, teepeed beds, and wet trash everywhere. As I sat in the lobby contemplating this uncivilized behavior, I asked myself, How does this happen?

Parents want children to be polite, kind, and civilized. But what does it take to foster that outcome? Mammals, especially humans, are social learners. We gain knowledge from our environment and from other people, especially from those whom we love. Unfortunately, we learn both antisocial as well as pro-social behaviors by watching others. So if there is anything you want your child to know how to do, or a way you want him or her to behave, you should first model it, then show him or her how to do it, offer lots of opportunities for practice, and finally, hold the child accountable.

First, modeling: In the early years of life, we learn mostly by taking in the sensorial impressions of the world around us. A series of neural connections helps us imprint that which we see. The child watches what other people do and attempts to do it too. Research has shown that mimicry increases pro-social behavior in very young children (Carpenter, Uebel & Tomasello, 2013). If you want your children to wait their turn to speak, do that yourself. If you want your children to stay at the table during dinner, turn off your cell phone and stay seated yourself.

Second, practice: Think about what you want your child to learn—everything from when and how to say “excuse me,” to carrying on a phone conversation with Grandma, to holding the door open for someone with an armload of packages, to conducting oneself at a restaurant, in a theater, on an airplane, and at a hotel. Take it slow; you will have many years to inculcate these habits. Start with simple daily activities: “In our family, when we need to sneeze, we sneeze into our sleeve. Watch me. Now it’s your turn.”

Other examples include: For a young child—pushing in one’s chair after getting up from the table. For an Elementary-age child—lessons on how we treat those different from us.

After you have modeled and practiced, hold your children accountable. If you use inductive statements, it will help the child discover for himself how to make the correction. Some examples: For young children—“When you go back to the table and push in your chair, then you may be excused.” For an Elementary-age child—“Before we go over to the neighbor’s house to apologize for that bullying incident, you’ll come up with how you will make amends, which, as you remember, is part of apologizing.”

Finally, remember that your children really do want to learn all this. It’s how they feel competent and socially adept.

How to Help Your Child and Their Teacher(s)

Teachers and I recently discussed a concerning development in children’s behavior that we have noticed at school.  We are hoping that by asking for parent help, this will guide the children back in the right direction of better listening, following directions, and an overall greater showing of respect for their teachers and our school.  We firmly believe that a strong partnership between families and school is how we can solve this issue.

Helpful topics to discuss with your child on the way to school:

• Sit at circle quietly and avoid being silly with friends

• Raise hand for help

• Walk in the classroom (running is reserved for outside time)

• Follow directions the first time you are asked to do something (2.5- to 3.5-year-olds are just beginning to understand this, but it is expected of 4- and 5-year-olds)

• Keep hands to own body –- no hitting, kicking, pushing, etc.

• Talk nicely --  no “potty” talk at school

• Use quiet “indoor voice”

Please speak to your children about how important teachers are and that they should be treated nicely all day because their job is very hard. This will help encourage empathy and compassion for teachers.

Another important thing to teach them is that our school is a special place and when they enter the double doors to the lobby they should be on their best behavior: avoid letting them stand on furniture, run into the school, yell in the lobby, get wild with other kids at pick up or drop-off time.  Of course, it takes more than just “telling” them what the rules are – you have to teach them and practice with them for a long time until they begin doing these things by themselves.  

If you notice your child being out of control with another child, a good idea may be to refrain from entering the lobby with the other child and take a lap around the top floor before entering the school.  We all know how hard it is to stop this behavior when it is happening, so if we try to take proactive measures like this, it will help!

We appreciate you all very much and you are such an important force in your children’s lives. Our teachers will be very grateful with your help on these things!

Nurturing Your Child While Setting Limits

Parenting.  This one word means so much.  Your job as a parent is the most important, frustrating, fantastic, difficult, and rewarding job you will ever have.  Each day, it seems like there is something new to deal with:  a new temper tantrum, a new sickness, a new defiance, a newly learned naughty word… and you are expected to be patient and helpful in times when you don’t think you have any patience or helpfulness left inside of you. But you do. And you do your best to get through those murky moments and come out with new tools in your parenting toolbox to use for the next extraordinary parenting event that arises.  By nurturing and setting boundaries, your work as a parent might even become a little bit easier… over time. 

Read on for more information about how nurturing and setting limits with your child is important.  From the website: centerforparentingeducation.com

The Dual Role of Parents

If you have ever wondered if you are being either too strict or too lenient, or if you are giving your children enough love, then you have stumbled upon considerations about the two important roles that parents have. Each has a part in helping your children become responsible.

Nurturing/Caring Role

When you are carrying out the Nurturing/Caring Role, you are being kind and loving to your children. It is in this role that you listen to your children, support them, spend time with them, and are affectionate with them.

As the Nurturing Parent, you communicate unconditional love – no matter what happens, you love your children just because they exist and are yours. This allows your children to take risks, to make mistakes, knowing that they have their parents’ unconditional support and love.

Structure/Executive Role

When you are fulfilling the responsibilities of the Structure/Executive Role, you are setting limits and boundaries, imposing discipline, teaching your children how they should behave, passing on your values, and giving guidance.

By not meeting their needs immediately and not giving them everything they want, you provide an opportunity for your children to tolerate some frustration, delay gratification, become less impulsive and less self-centered.

You set standards of behavior that you expect your children to meet. You establish consequences for breaking rules and you follow through on those consequences. You teach your children to be appreciative for what they have.

It is through the Executive Role that you hold your children accountable for their behavior, and that in turn, fosters the development of a sense of responsibility.

Dual Roles Combined

Children need their parents to carry out both roles. Children are more likely to accept the limits you set and are more likely to want to meet your expectations (i.e. be responsible) when you provide a warm, caring and supportive relationship that underlies the discipline you impose.

Additional resource:

7 Hints For Setting Boundaries With Your Kids

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/parenting-tips/2012/07/7-hints-for-setting-boundaries-with-your-kids/