Responsive care is the process of observing children’s cues and responding in a sensitive way that helps the child grow into the person you want them to be. One thing we can do as parents and caregivers is to notice patterns in our children’s behavior and to come up with simple solutions to help get them through these difficult times and feelings. One way to do this is to create routines for children that are easy to follow and consistent. We can think of ourselves as scientist as we observe, document and create theories based on the children’s behavior. This is actually a lot easier than it sounds and we want to help you take your first step to being your child’s scientist and offering them responsive care!
The following are examples of things that cause meltdowns for many children at school (and stress for parents). If these things are happening with your child, read on to learn about effective ways to handle these behaviors and hopefully relieve some pressure off of you.
Drop off time – my child screams, cries, or pleads with me not to go
Pick up time – my child screams, cries, or pleads with me to let them stay
From car to school – my child cries and says they do not want to go to school.
Elevator buttons – if my child does not get to push the elevator button, they have a meltdown
Parking ticket – if my child does not get to stamp the parking ticket, they scream and cry
Dropping off older child to take younger child to infant or toddler room – my child cries and makes this very hard for me.
At pick up time, my child insists to wait for a friend in the lobby before we leave -- if we cannot do this, they have a fit.
Starbucks after school – my child asks to go to Starbucks at pick up time and has a fit if I say “no”.
Sound familiar!? Well, you are not alone and we are here to help. Often, it is routine that children are seeking so this is a good place to start. Altering a child’s routine or doing something one day but not another can cause confusion and anxiety. Confusion and anxiety leads to meltdowns. The most important things we can do as parents and caregivers is to be consistent and to prep children ahead of time with expectations. Read on to learn how best to deal with those sticky situations mentioned above. Keep in mind, these tips are meant for preschoolers for the most part, but you can begin implementing some of these ideas with your younger child as well if you think they will understand.
Drop off time – my child screams, cries, or pleads with me not to go
Make a drop off routine plan with your child. Do this at a time when you are not rushed and when your child is ready to listen.
Say for example: “when we go into your classroom, I will help you put your shoes away, we will wash hands together, and I will give you one big hug by the door.” Ask them: “Am I going to come back to give you two hugs?” They answer “no.” “How many hugs do you get by the door?” They answer: “one.” You say, “Great job. Then role play this with them so they know exactly what to do when you get to school.
If your child cries at drop off it is important that you do not come back in. If you come back, this may communicate to your child that your words do no mean what they say, or that crying works to get what they want and or that school is not a safe place. A big smile and wave will help them feel secure. If you’d like, you can email the Director to check in on them if it was a particularly hard drop off.
Pick up time – my child screams, cries, or pleads with me to let them stay
Before you pick-up your child, create a pick up routine with them that you will use at school the next day. Be clear about expectations and role play this with them. It is important to do this the same way each day so you create a routine. If you do this and it does not work, be sure to ask a teacher for help. The teacher will ask you to go to the lobby while they help your child get ready and then bring them out to you.
Elevator buttons – if my child does not get to push the elevator button, they have a meltdown
Before coming to school (and when not in a rush) make an “elevator button rule” so your child knows what is expected. After you create the rule, be sure they can say it back to you so you know they understand what is expected.
The rule can simply be: “if no one else presses the elevator button, then we say, ‘I can press the button.’ If another child or adult presses the button first, we can say, ‘it’s okay, I can press it next time.’ By giving them the words for handling this situation, it gives them the idea that it is okay if they don’t get to press the button every time they want to.
Parking ticket – if my child does not get to stamp the parking ticket, they scream and cry
Before coming to school and when not in a rush, make a “ticket stamp rule” so they know what is expected. After you create the rule, be sure they can say it back to you so you know they understand what is expected.
The rule can simply be: “mommy/daddy stamps the ticket. It is only for adults.” “Tell me what the rule is….” If you let them do it once, they will always want to do it and be confused when they can’t.
Dropping off older child to take younger child to infant or toddler room – my child cries and makes this very hard for me.
Create a routine for this at home with your older child.
You can say: “baby is very heavy so it is important that I go straight to the infant room to drop him/her off and that you will come back to give them a hug goodbye. If they ask if they can go with you tell them that older children are not allowed in the toddler or infant rooms and that it is a PFM rule. Be very clear about what you plan to do and reassure your older child that you will be back in a few minutes to say goodbye. Then be sure to follow through.
At pick up time, my child insists to wait for a friend in the lobby before we leave -- if we cannot do this, they have a fit.
Talk about the plan at home before you come to school.
You can say: “if you want to wait for someone at pick up time, a good place will be by the elevators.” And then follow through on this.
Starbucks after school – my child asks to go to Starbucks at pick up time and has a fit if I say “no”.
Create a “Starbucks Schedule” and only go on the days that you are “scheduled” to go.
For example, create a calendar for the month and highlight the day of the week that you will take your child to Starbucks . Be sure to stick with the same day each week so they do not get confused. Also, post this somewhere they can see it in the home and this will help them keep track of “how many days until Starbucks”… and give them something to look forward to.
Additional resource: Ten Reasons a Daily Routine is Important for your Child (and How to Set One).